Tag: Humor

Marty Johnson was smiling from ear to ear as he loaded his car with provisions and headed off on a week’s holiday at a picturesque country retreat. 

He had booked a yurt with all its facilities and the advertisement had offered “quiet solitude in a beautiful countryside location.” 

There would be nobody within his immediate vicinity and other yurts could only be seen in the distance. 

Therefore no one had a need for interaction if they did not want it. 

He had pictures of it on his dash board as he drove along whistling. 

Marty was at his happiest, leaving behind the invasions of his personal space that had encroached upon his existence.  

He was a pacifist who wanted to experience the Buddhist art of inner peace through meditation.

Rolling green hills and pastures surrounded by woods and nature: Marty would be content. 

He now had a few days to himself with the only company being birds and squirrels. 

Life was not so bad after all. 

Marty had decided to blank out any thoughts for the week other than passive, tranquil ones that “Night Pastures,” as the camp was called, obliged. 

During the journey, Marty changed from whistling to song as his mood escalated from happy to being in a state of pure joy. 

Locked inside his car he felt immune from the outside world long enough to reach his destination and its bliss. 

He called it his oasis.

Marty eventually arrived at “Night Pastures!” and pulled up in the car park as cars were not permitted to drive onto the site. 

He was more than happy with this arrangement. 

He unloaded, placed his possessions into the barrow that was provided and headed to the site office. 

He was greeted by a very chilled owner who was clearly benefitting from this way of life. 

“Good afternoon “ Marty stated in a very congenial manner. “I’ve booked one of your delightful Yurts for a few days.”

“No problem. You must be Marty. I have taken the opportunity to put you at the far end of the field just below the beautiful rolling green hills. Have a lovely stay. It offers perfect solitude.” 

Marty was even more ecstatic than before. 

He had brought books to read and good food and he was at  one with nature. 

All of his previous failed attempts at finding solitude were behind him.

He found his Yurt and after settling in, grabbed a chair and sat with his back to the world looking at the rolling hills above him. 

The sun was shining and the sky a light blue complementing the backdrop with Marty drifting into a peaceful sleep.

A man from a neighbouring Yurt dressed in full cargo gear broke the silence.

“How are you doing buddy? Settling in ok. Fancy a beer?”

Marty woke up with a start rubbing his eyes and looking over his shoulder.

“Fine thanks, just relaxing.”

“What a place to chill buddy. Me and the family are over in the other corner. You can just see us from here. Look, the kids are playing.”

“Lovely. Hope it goes well.”

“Pop over later. Having a BBQ.”

Marty tried to be diplomatic.

“Maybe see how I feel later. Thanks anyway.”

The man wandered off and Marty ran inside his Yurt.

It was sometime before he ventured back out with a book and he made himself a tea at the outside kitchen attached to his Yurt. 

He was a little wary but not seeing anyone felt safe. 

Having settled in his chair he began reading his book. 

His mind took him back to his childhood when he used to play with friends in the woods similar to those surrounding him. 

This gave him an inner pleasure. He was relaxed and content. It was moments like this he craved for when back in the city and his hectic life. 

Suddenly a football landed on his head and knocked his tea over his lap,

“Oh! Sorry” a young boy called out. He was with another boy. “My Dad said the BBQ is on if you want to come over.”

“Thanks but could you tell him I’m not feeling too good but thanks?”

The boys ran off. 

Marty sighed as he was being compromised again and became angry when he heard music being played which was carrying in the slight wind. 

He went back into his Yurt and rested on his bed. 

He could see the sky and bright sun coming in through the window above his head. 

He felt safe here and hoped there would be no interruptions. 

Sitting back, he conjured up plans to live permanently in this way of life. 

Marty wanted to pack up work and live off grid with a small amount of land to grow some crops. 

He was in a state of contentment. 

This is why he came here. 

Then suddenly:

“Open up fella. Got some grub for you here.”

The door burst open and Marty jumped up from his peace. 

The man from across the pastures had brought some burgers for him. 

He was appreciative but compromised again. He shoved them onto his lap stepping inside any personal boundaries.

“Pop over later. The music’s on and the kids are dancing.”

“I might do it but I’m a bit tired. First night and all that.”

Having taken up twenty minutes of his time the man headed back. 

Marty was unsettled and so decided to go for a walk in the woods. 

He knew this would be a safe place to walk on his own.

He headed off and took to the main path as the night was drawing in. 

Thoughts took him back to a life of solitude and what it could do for his mental health. 

The birds were still fluttering between trees and the night wildlife was preparing to come out. 

This was life. 

The earlier interruptions were just a small setback, just people being friendly. 

But Marty wanted to see no one for the rest of his stay. 

The walk had been tranquil and great for his mind. 

He decided to head back and took what he thought was a cut through the hedge back to the pastures. 

His bed was beckoning. 

As he came back through the hedge Marty gasped. 

He stumbled across the family having a party. 

“Great to see you fella. Grab yourself a drink. It’s going to be a late one.”

Marty slumped in a deck chair and braced himself. 

For what seemed an eternity he had people badgering him to chat and children wanting to play. 

There was not a sociable bone left in his body when he eventually fell asleep in his Yurt, exhausted. 

Tomorrow will be another day.

Marty woke up with a spring in his step. 

The previous day was just teething problems, he decided. 

Everyone will have their own agenda for the day. 

Marty was going to just watch the world go by and do nothing. 

Having enjoyed breakfast and time to ponder he settled back in his chair enjoying all that lay before him. 

He felt he had finally nailed it. 

The sun shone and his wellbeing was good. 

The next few hours enabled Marty to read and start putting together his life.

 Eventually his peace was disturbed by a woman walking her dog. 

She called over as her dog ran over pouncing on him..

“It’s ok he wont bite. By the way, someone is waving to you over there.” 

Marty was taken aback. 

He had been in a happy few hours of bliss.

“Oh it’s just the family I was with last night. “

“No, they are over that side. I was with them for a while too. Some lady is waving from the other side.”

Marty was rattled and looked over to see a pair of hands waving frantically. 

He waved back out of politeness.

“We’re having a party in the woods later if you want to join us. Music, drinking, dancing and maybe some puff.”

Marty declined politely.

“It’s going to be just behind your Yurt in the woods. I hope it’s not too noisy. Let us know if it is.” 

The woman carried on her walk to the sight of Marty slumping in his chair. 

Defeat began to be etched on his face. 

He was curious as to who had been waving at him so gathering his binoculars, brought mainly to see  nature and its inhabitants which he so loved. 

Marty put the binoculars to his eyes and adjusted the lens. 

Seconds later he dropped them and fell back into his chair. 

He wanted to cry. 

It was his ex-wife with a group of friends. 

He didn’t hate her but was only civil for the sake of the children. 

In the madness, a sparrow flew down in front of him. 

Marty wanted to be that sparrow as it took off into the trees. 

Then his phone rang and Marty read a message from his ex-wife.

“Stop hiding you miserable old git. Get the kettle on. Coming over.”

Marty was mortified. 

A family who continued to annoy him on one side. His ex to the other side and a party behind him brewing. 

So it was time for a drastic decision. 

But before he could even think about it his ex-wife was on his door step.

“Well what a surprise. Actually glad you’re here. We need to talk about the kids and maintenance,”

Marty slunk into his chair and listened as she relentlessly highlighted his faults and how he needed to have the kids more and how he needed to do overtime as maintenance contributions didn’t stretch far. 

He said nothing and tried to take his mind into the woods where he could lose himself from humanity. \

The holiday was growing into a nightmare. His will was being tested. She stayed for a good few hours, eating into his solitude, eventually leaving with the promise to call by later for dinner, which she had not been invited to. 

He became rattled and uneasy.

Marty’s mind was running but he hoped that this ambush of people would now die down and he could relax. 

So he took his chair and sat behind his Yurt and found a place of peace. 

He could see no one and no one could see him. His thoughts returned to living in the woods, off grid and on his own. 

For the first time in years he now had a plan and his holiday was taking off. 

He slept and read and thought and reminisced. 

He was finally entering a state of pure joy. 

His heart was good, his mind was strong. 

The hours rolled by but he now wanted every hour to last a year.

He got up to use the toilet but the woman who had stopped by earlier and was again walking her dog broke the silence as she saw Marty come out from behind his Yurt.  

“Oh, hi again sorry to bother you but hoping you will come to the party tonight and was wondering if we could use your Yurt as a base for toilets and for anyone who wants to crash. It’s going to be crackers. We’ve invited the lady and her friends from over that side and the lovely family over there. Plenty of booze.” 

All the  groups who had blighted his holiday, especially his ex-wife who had the ability to take him down emotionally were surrounding him. 

From what should have been open space and freedom was now claustrophobia. 

Marty needed to take stock. Where could he turn? He felt that he was in a goldfish bowl and everyone was watching him. 

The appeal of settling down in his chair had faded. 

Marty wanted to take off so he packed his bag and headed into the woods for the day. 

He stayed in the woods for two full days and nights and never saw a soul. 

He was euphoric. 

His mind was clear and he was at one with nature. 

Marty didn’t need to do anything. 

For the first time in his life he was able to explore his thoughts and feelings. 

This was an experience unique to him. 

He slept under the stars and the only interruptions were from the wildlife moving around him. 

But eventually he ran out of food and decided to head back hoping now that everyone on the pasture would leave him alone.  

He returned to his Yurt and as he opened the door he found a stranger sprawled out on his bed surrounded by cans of beer. 

The children from the family opposite were playing football against the Yurt and he could hear a call from his ex-wife: 

“ Get the kettle on again. And come pick up the kids.”

He now gave up the fight and realised that to reach solitude was impossible. 

He joined the party despondently. 

He drank and talked and his mind was no longer his. 

The cravings for his perfect world were no more. 

The party got louder and more raucous. 

Eventually the police had to be called and Marty and many others were arrested for breach of the peace. 

They were taken to the local station and charged with disorderly and anti-social behaviour. 

He found himself in an overcrowded cell. 

His worst nightmare. 

Marty became aggressive and a million miles from the pacifist man he wanted to be. 

But life throws up unusual twists and Marty Johnson, due to his anger issues was transferred into solitary confinement where he remained content throughout the remainder of his sentence.